OLD EMAILS
So I'm cleaning out my emails, and I've decided that, since I haven't written anything here in a while, I am going to post some here as a kind of sad catch-up attempt.
Here's one from a few months ago:
So anyway, Mike was in the grocery store (kind of Safeway, only they've just been bought out by something called Morrison's) the other day, and he saw, in the "impulse buying" section next to the till, black thong underwear in my size, with a "diamante" clasp on the back holding the bum string to the waist strings.
He found this so hilarious that he bought me a pair. You see, we had been discussing super high-class lingerie stores, and so he felt the need to buy me the "classy" thong you can get "2 for £3.99" in the IMPULSE BUY section next to the cash register at Morrison's.
He made this big deal about how he had gotten me this GREAT super-surprise present.
So anyway, this was a really funny joke. And, of course, the 'big fashion' is to have your thong sticking up out of the back of your trousers. So, I had this GREAT IDEA that I would take the joke to the next level by ACTUALLY WEARING said thong underwear into the office, and at some point during the day, lifting the back of my shirt so that he could see that I was wearing this OUTRAGEOUSLY TACKY item of clothing.
So this has got to be the most uncomfortable thing ever created. I have been complaining all day about the "permanent bumcrack damage" that I am quite probably going to sustain for this, as it turns out, VERY UNFUNNY JOKE.
Mike, on the other hand, has been repeatedly laughing at my discomfort, saying that I am clearly COMPLETELY INSANE, and taking NO RESPONSIBILITY for the fact that I will probably have to have the diamante "gems" that have become embedded in my nether regions SURGICALLY REMOVED.
About an hour ago, I had to go to the bathroom, and there was a diamante EXPLOSION. I now have no underwear at all. Well, sort of, as this offensive article of clothing now resides within my right trousers pocket.
It's so unfair.
So I'm cleaning out my emails, and I've decided that, since I haven't written anything here in a while, I am going to post some here as a kind of sad catch-up attempt.
Here's one from a few months ago:
So anyway, Mike was in the grocery store (kind of Safeway, only they've just been bought out by something called Morrison's) the other day, and he saw, in the "impulse buying" section next to the till, black thong underwear in my size, with a "diamante" clasp on the back holding the bum string to the waist strings.
He found this so hilarious that he bought me a pair. You see, we had been discussing super high-class lingerie stores, and so he felt the need to buy me the "classy" thong you can get "2 for £3.99" in the IMPULSE BUY section next to the cash register at Morrison's.
He made this big deal about how he had gotten me this GREAT super-surprise present.
So anyway, this was a really funny joke. And, of course, the 'big fashion' is to have your thong sticking up out of the back of your trousers. So, I had this GREAT IDEA that I would take the joke to the next level by ACTUALLY WEARING said thong underwear into the office, and at some point during the day, lifting the back of my shirt so that he could see that I was wearing this OUTRAGEOUSLY TACKY item of clothing.
So this has got to be the most uncomfortable thing ever created. I have been complaining all day about the "permanent bumcrack damage" that I am quite probably going to sustain for this, as it turns out, VERY UNFUNNY JOKE.
Mike, on the other hand, has been repeatedly laughing at my discomfort, saying that I am clearly COMPLETELY INSANE, and taking NO RESPONSIBILITY for the fact that I will probably have to have the diamante "gems" that have become embedded in my nether regions SURGICALLY REMOVED.
About an hour ago, I had to go to the bathroom, and there was a diamante EXPLOSION. I now have no underwear at all. Well, sort of, as this offensive article of clothing now resides within my right trousers pocket.
It's so unfair.
posted by Simone @ 1:43 AM
2 Comments:
At 4:53 AM,
michael said…
a "diamante expolsion"? was there an audible "pop"? were you walking down to get a nice hot cuppa when diamantes started rolling around your pants legs? did you find diamantes in your shoes later? are the diamantes pretty?
i'm pretty. so, so pretty. i can't sleep so right now i'm bleary-eyed, unshaven, and wearing weird pajama bottoms with bunnies on them and a sweater that used to be dark blue but is now a sort of blue-beige since it's got a 1/2 inch of dog hair on it.
i now have "the thong song" running throough my head.
xm
At 7:01 AM,
Simone said…
Yes, there was an audible 'pop'.
As it turned out, the little cheap pieces of aluminum that housed the diamante gems (you know, little squares with tines bent around the gems) WERE the clasp. In other words, this entire thong was held together by individual little tiny squares of aluminum that were connected by equally tiny pieces of aluminum. It wasn't even a single, large piece.
So when the thong was tugged downward (not even a huge pull), the little pieces of connecting metal spontaneously combusted. There was a little pop, and tiny gems went flying all over the bathroom.
I was left with what resembled a triangular loincloth with a long, frontal rat tail.
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