MEETING THE PARENTS

Over the weekend, I went Up North to meet the boy's parents.

I know I haven't mentioned the boy much, since I just started writing this again, but I will tempt fate by saying that he gives every appearance of becoming a permanent fixture. We're well-suited, he is a REALLY decent person, and he treats me REALLY REALLY well.

Honestly, nobody is more shocked by all of this than me.

So, since we've been seeing each other for a while now, it was time to visit the parents and make the official introductions.

We've tried making trips to visit his parents before, but Things keep conspiring against us. Last time, we made it all the way to the motorway before Michael turned to me and mentioned that perhaps we should turn around, since he would rather spend the next two days projectile vomiting and, uh, you know, engaging in other bathroom-based activities.

(That's not actually what he said. It just so happened that I'd had this projectile vomiting virus, and I obviously passed it on to him. We share everything together. So romantic!)

But this weekend, we finally made it all the way there.

Michael's parents live in a town called Ulverston, which is, well, North. Laurel and Hardy came from there, evidently, and Beatrix Potter lived nearby. Its other claim to fame is that there were some Chinese cockle-gatherers who were drowned there recently.

His parents are really, really lovely people. (I'm sure they had nothing to do with the deaths of the cockelers.)

So, Friday we decided to go to this Wild Animal Park just outside of the city. It's basically a zoo in which half of the animals live in zoo-like quarters, while the other half are allowed to roam free in various areas.

One of these areas contains lemurs, kangaroos, peacocks, wallabies, and emus. They have big signs outside saying, "DO NOT LET THE ANIMALS OUT OF THE GATES."

This turns out to be almost pointless. The ring-tailed lemurs have decided that they want to go to other places, and nothing will stop them--certainly nothing as silly as electric fences and gates. They seem to come and go at will. There is a line on the path into the park with a sign that says, "You must return outside of this line to smoke," and sure enough, right outside of the line are two or three lemurs, ostensibly bumming fags.

The owners and operators of the park swear that no animals ever escape. (I guess there was one incident when they first got the rhinos and the fences weren't strong enough to keep them inside, and the resulting rhino-related freeway accident was a bit of a PR crisis.) The farmers in the surrounding areas tell a different story.

Evidently, they have a problem keeping their washing on clotheslines, because the macaws are fond of clothespins, and keep stealing them. But worse yet, several of the farmers have come outside to find lemurs RIDING THEIR COWS.

I am not making this up.

I now desperately need to live on a farm outside of this wildlife park, and I need to own at least one cow.

At any rate, we bought little bags of food to feed the various feedable animals in the zoo: namely, the ducks, kangaroos, wallabies, and emus.

The wallabies were a bit skittish, so I just put some food on the ground and waited. Denied! Then I fed the ducks a bit--ducks are generally a sure thing as far as snack-provision goes. Success!

Feeling better about myself (the rejection of the wallabies had stung), I went on to the kangaroos, who similarly spurned my snacks.

That was when I was mugged by an emu.

I know this sounds unlikely, but it actually happened. Emus are BIG. They can be SCARY. They have SEEN THESE LITTLE ZOO-PROVIDED FOOD BAGS and they KNOW WHAT IS IN THEM.

So when I saw an emu, I poured a little food into my hand, and held it out for the giant bird. The bird just looked at me scornfully. "Oh, please. What paltry offering is this?"

This is when the emu turned his nose up at the food in my left hand, and STOLE THE ENTIRE FOOD BAG OUT OF MY OTHER HAND.

I am sure there is some kind of lesson in all of this, but I'm not sure what it is.

Hmmm. What else?

Oh, yes. When we got to the otter enclosure, it was completely empty. We thought they must have moved them indoors or something.

A bit later, Michael pointed out some holes that some burrowing creature had obviously made, but we didn't make the connection--not until we got to the bear enclosure.

There, inside the bear area, were two otters, frolicking about. One of them had a little nut in one of his paws that he was obviously trying to carry while running about, so he was sort of limping on three legs. Those were the only two otters we saw--I don't know if their compatriots had become Bear Snacks, or if those two ever made it home.

Saturday was St. George's Day. There is a little festival in the town centre commemorating the event, complete with a reenactment of St. George coming in on a white horse and rescuing the Damsel in Distress that has been tied up by Persons of Hench.

It was a really cute and typical Small-Townish kind of event. There were little face-painting booths, a contest to see who could guess the weight of a Rib Roast, and a Punch and Judy Show.

The best part, of course, was the reenactment. The main characters were mostly big fish in the little town pond--one of the local realtors, the mayor, etc. The funniest part, of course, was that St. George was played by a woman. Why? Because they had to give her the part, as she was the only one who owned a white horse.

In the end, the crowd spooked the white horse so badly that they had to tie it up a block away, and St. George had to proceed the rest of the way on foot.

So that was St. George's Day.

Later that evening, I met a couple of Michael's friends at a pub. Post-meeting conversation with Michael:

Me: So is she [the woman in the couple] still good friends with your ex-girlfriend?

Michael: Yes. Last time I was up here, she was still mad at me for breaking up with her, and wouldn't speak to me.

Me: Oh. So I guess your ex-girlfriend will get a full run-down on this evening.

Michael: Don't be silly. I'm sure she'll wait for at least an hour before telephoning her.

They were actually quite nice, and the woman in question didn't say anything nasty or shoot daggers at me or poke me with pointy sticks or anything.

The next day, we went to, um, the little town with the Beatrix Potter museum in it. There was a bit of a brou-ha-ha when deciding how to get there.

Eventually it was decided that we would take a little steam train to a steamboat, and then ride across the lake to the town, have a drink at a pub (one that Dickens used to hang out at) and then go on to the museum.

It was on the steam train that I realised that Michael is, in fact, his father's son.

Riding on the train: Me, Michael, Michael's parents, his 4-year-old nephew, Ben, and his 9-year-old niece, Katie.

When we bought the tickets, the man selling them to us gave Ben a little button and said, "This button means that you're in charge today, and you have to make sure that everyone behaves."

Ben took this job very seriously. When we got on the train, he asked his grandmother, "Does the person who wears the button have to listen for the train whistle?" and other pertinent questions.

Eventually, Michael's father turned to Ben and said, "You know, the person who is in charge has to buy everyone an ice cream."

Ben looked panicked.

"Really? Really? I didn't know that. I didn't know that when I took the button...I don't want to do this today!"

Then, Michael's father hid one of Ben's toys, and had the kid look for it for ages.

This whole parentage thing becomes clear to me now.

When we got to the other side of the lake, we went to the pub and had a nice beverage. When it was time to go to the museum, Michael realised that he *could* go to the museum...or he could stay at the pub and have another pint.

This is how all of the male members of the party (except for Ben) ended up staying at the pub, while all of the female members of the party went to the museum.

The museum was cute and lovely. The trip back, complete with ice cream that was *not* purchased by Ben, was lovely. Mike's family, friends, and family friends were lovely.

And that was my trip to meet the parents.