CRUSHES

So you want to develop a crush on me. Congratulations! This is an exciting time in your life. Enjoy it!

Before deciding to develop a crush on me, you must read and accept the following Terms and Conditions:

TERMS AND CONDITIONS

1. You must obtain permission from one of my gay friends. This step is very important, because it is a well-established fact that, in these matters, I Cannot be Trusted.



2. You must meet me in person. You must make an effort to meet with me, now and always, at least equal to the effort I make to meet you.



3. By developing a crush on me, you acknowledge the existence of the very real possibility that I may develop a crush right back on you, and you are prepared for this eventuality. In the event that your affections are returned, you further agree to the following:
   
   
   
   1. if and when I develop said crush, you are not, I repeat *not*, to turn around and say, "Well. Mission accomplished. Moving right along" and decide that the pursuit was really the thing, after all, and now that you've obtained said affection, I'm not all that spiffy and unattainable after all, and you'd really rather go away.
   
   
   2. you don't constantly compare your feelings to mine, and be a freak because of it. None of that "What if I just kind of have a crush on her, and she's *really in love* with me? I must be mean to her immediately, because otherwise I would be leading her on!" crap. Firstly, you don't know how I feel. I am a naturally nice person who does nice things for people. And if you're mean to me, you're *never* going to fall in love with me, because the only version of me you'll see is the one that is currently being abused and has hurt feelings. People fall in love with smiling and happy people, not crying and cringing people. Act like you're in love with me if you want to find out whether or not you are.



4. Before developing said crush, you must have actually ended all prior romantic relationships. I don't mean that you can no longer be friends with ex-girlfriends, or have affection for them, communicate with them, etc. But they must, in fact, be *ex* girlfriends. By this, I mean that the following behaviors are unacceptable:
   
   
   
   1. sleeping naked in the same bed as former lovers, especially habitually (I thought that this one in particular was a given and didn't need to be specifically stated and agreed to, and yet this turns out not to be the case.)
   
   
   2. continuing to share an apartment with said girlfriend, if this means that I am not welcome in your apartment, that any gifts I give you are kept in the trunk of your car to spare her feelings, and/or that you call her after spending the night with me and claim that you were detained at work all night
   
   
   3. allowing yourself to be used as a weapon in "chick" games. In other words, if every time I call you on the telephone, she is at your apartment and suddenly develops a crisis that only you can deal with, you must i) recognize that this is a power game, and ii) not allow yourself to be used thusly. Legitimate crises are fine. More than twice, and it becomes suspect.
   
   
   4. buying the "I am helpless" routine from said ex-girlfriends. She's not helpless, she's using you. Helplessness doesn't make her more feminine than me. It makes her more manipulative. She's no more nor less capable than I am, trust me.
   
   
   The following behaviors are acceptable:
   
   
   1. allowing your ex-girlfriend(s) to sleep on your couch in the living room when the hour gets late. Variations, such as you on the couch and her in your bedroom, are also fine. (There are some circumstances in which sharing an apartment or house would also be acceptable.) The keys here are: a) different pieces of furniture, and b) not naked
   
   
   2. assisting your ex-girlfriend(s) in physical (eg, housemoving), financial, and emotional ways, as long as this assistance is of the normal and healthy variety. Codependence is not normal and healthy. Playing helpless to emphasise "I am a frail and feminine creature and you are a strong manly man!" is not healthy for either of you.
   
   
   3. telling me when you think that I have inadvertently (or deliberately, for that matter) said or done something insensitive or "chick game"-like that hurts your ex-girlfriend's feelings. It won't be deliberate, but I can definitely be dense.



5. You must accept said crush, and accept my person. This is a crush, not a combat. This really is who I am--don't spend all of your time looking for ulterior motives or hidden faults. I have faults. They're fairly obvious. I didn't force you to like me, and am not trying to pretend I'm someone I'm not in order to ensnare you. I want people to like me. If I pretend to be someone else, they won't know me and won't be able to like me. This is one of the best reasons I've found to be honest.