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The other day, I was reading back over some of the archives of this blog, and I was sort of surprised.

I was surprised because Matthew was an abusive jerk from the first time we really went out, and I was trying so hard to put a brave face on it, trying so hard to focus on the very occasional nice things that he said or did, and they're pretty much all I talked about. I didn't even mention the bad things for a long time.

I guess that makes sense in a way, because he had pretty well convinced me that if something upset me, it was because I was a faulty person; not grown up enough, not cosmopolitan enough. If I was only worldly enough, I wouldn't have a problem with him sleeping naked in the same bed as his ex-girlfriend.

But, you know, if you're dating someone and people feel the need to introduce you to him because you're at a pub and he's standing there with his arm around someone else and didn't greet you when you walked in, then it's not about being worldly enough or open enough. It's about being treated poorly.

I'm going to attempt to stop putting so much of a brave face on things.

Right now, things suck in a big way. Not everything--some things are really good. I'm in London, which is where I wanted to be for a while. Part of me wants to go home, but that's all right, too. I have good friends over here, finally. I have a good life in many ways--I can afford to pay my bills, I'm doing well at my job because I'm bloody good at it, and this weekend I have to go shopping to buy something to wear to a small gathering I'm going to next week that's hosted by Pierce Brosnan. I want to go home, but I'm not in a terrible rush to, because before I do I want to go to Italy, and I want to visit Bath and Stonehenge. And I think I have the time.

But on a personal level, things are tough. I've just had to say goodbye to someone I love terribly, and I tried really hard to fix things first. This seems to be an ongoing theme, and honestly, it's just too hard for me.

My family is full of genuinely good people, who I love, and who have obscenely difficult lives. And no matter how hard I work, and no matter how hard they work, it's like throwing grains of sand into the Grand Canyon. It's more than I can do, and I'm killing myself trying.

Sometimes I just want to lie down and be taken care of. Just hand it all over to someone else, and say, all right, you be the grownup today.

I was actually relieved when Rich said goodbye--not because I don't love him, because I do. But he's being the grownup. I didn't have to do it, because he's doing it for me.

So my life, too, is often obscenely difficult. But right now there's something really beautiful about it, too, which is a pleasant change. And the things that are difficult have gone so far beyond my abilities, that some of the pressure has gone. I could stop paying my bills and stop eating entirely, and I still wouldn't have the physical resources to cure anything. And I could devote all of my time and emotional energy to things, and it still wouldn't be enough. So I no longer have to fear that there's something I've missed, and should just work a tiny bit harder.