SKINNY WOMEN AND STONED MEN

First off, I would like to explain that some of my best friends are skinny women. No, really. I have nothing against them in general.

But this is the second time I've worked with skinny women who somehow seem to know whenever I or anyone else is eating anything, and they show up to bum food.

In general, I don't mind sharing with people, but it's the sort of constant, lingering presence that gets to me, along with the knowledge that if they weighed as much as I do, they'd never do this, because they'd know that people would talk about them behind their backs. "Of course she's fat! Do you see how much she eats?"

New life lesson learned: vultures are always thin!

Speaking of fat...today I went to the "hot" counter of a local grocery store, and purchased something sealed in a bag, thinking it was chicken. It ended up being something called a "bacon joint," which appears to be a particularly fatty ham. I'm such a good Jew. I made a ham sandwich, and now I'm fairly certain I'm never eating again as long as I live, so help me David Bowie. (I know that David Bowie is not god, and that God would be upset if I were to imply that he was, but I also think that he must have attained some kind of minor deity position by now.)

Wasn't that just the most fascinating anecdote ever? Moving right along....

I've recently gotten back in touch with a man with whom I went to University. His name's Dan, and I have him to thank for my descent into Rock and Roll Madness. I was kind of a classical snob before I went to school, and Dan was a guitar player who was one of the best musicians at school, and he had an abiding fondness for bands like Led Zeppelin. I figured if he liked them, there must be something there to listen to, so listen I did.

Dan had really long hair when we were in school, and I was jealous because it seems so unfair that there are men who have better hair than me. It was gorgeous and long and curly, and then one day he cut it all off, because he figured he was going to need to find a job after graduation, and he couldn't exactly interview looking like, well, someone who listened to Led Zeppelin.

At any rate, the day after he cut his hair, he walked into the Music Department office, and the receptionist said, "Dan! You cut your hair! You look so clean!"

He responded, "Yeah, I figured if I was going to cut my hair, I may as well go the whole way and start bathing, too."

He talked to me about this, and was talking about how prejudiced people are about various weird things like hair. I was surprised to find out that he was insightful. Not because he was a long-haired guitar player, but because he was too cool to be "wise". Speaking of prejudices.

I went through with the graduation ceremony, mostly because Daddy was about to die, and it seemed important to have him attend my graduation ceremony. Dan showed up so stoned that we eventually made a deal that he would just follow me around, and do whatever I did, to get through it without too much going wrong. I had a plastic farm on top of my mortarboard, and I remember wondering if he'd later think he'd imagined it.

We did somehow get through the ceremony.

Anyway, when we started emailing, I said, "Dan, you owe me for getting you through graduation." He responded with, "Forgive me, but I don't remember why--I don't remember much about graduation...." Big surprise! Then later he said, "Oh, I remember I used to call you Brothel!"

This all seems so unfair. Graduation is a blur, but he remembers that he used to call me "Brothel."

Life is so unfair.