UPDATE #2, FROM SOMEWHERE AROUND FEBRUARY 23

Well, another week has gone by now, and of course, that means that more things have gone strangely around me. On Tuesday, I think it was, one of my roommates came home and said, "You know how I told you that my sister was moving here in July? Well, she's decided to move here next week instead, so the room will no longer be available. You've paid rent until March 1st, but after that you need to move out. Sorry for screwing you over."

So I had to rush around madly, trying to find a new place to live, with only 11 days in which to find it.

I ended up seeing three flats, and being offered all three. Er, they were all roommate situations. I ended up agreeing to move into this one that is also in Camden, is considerably more expensive than what I'm in now, but there you go.

It was a tough decision, mainly because everything is a tough decision right now. I have become terrified of making the wrong choice in any aspect of my life. Even choosing what to eat for dinner is tough, that is when I have a choice at all, which is seldom the case. I have a lot of pasta and potatoes.

At any rate, I was offered a tiny room with a French woman for a roommate, but turned that down because I was scared that after living with Peter, I'd go insane in a tiny room. Let's just say that living at Peter's wasn't good for my mental health and leave it at that. I have had such a hard time. Moving in with the three people I'm with now was like waking from a nightmare. Finding out that I needed to find a new place again was like being plunged back into that nightmare, and I'm scared that my new flat will end up being another Peter-like situation, and it terrifies me, because it was such a relief to get out of it.

I was also offered a flat with these two guys, but it was more expensive, and I'm kind of afraid that turning that one down will end up being a mistake. It really did boil down to money.

But I ended up accepting a flat that is in a great little house in Camden, priced right between the two other flats. My roommate, whose name is Pushpinder, says he's never, ever home—he takes care of his parents, and stays with them most of the time, as they are both elderly and ailing. The reasons I took this flat are: 1. it's not as expensive as the one with the two guys, 2. it's on a cute street, 3. there's a patio, 4. it's the most like living alone, 5. because if I were buying a flat, this is the one I'd like the best, and 6. because Pushpinder knows who Faulkner is.

I know that last item sounds a bit weird. It's just that I was at work one day, working on this technical documentation, and I said, "I'm telling you, I'm like Faulkner here. They're going to make a movie out of this someday," and my coworkers said, "Who's Faulkner?" When I related this story to Pushpinder, he interjected, "Maybe they know him as ‘William.'" And for some reason this seemed like a sign that I should take the flat.

Emotionally, I am completely drained. Pretty much in every way, I am completely drained. The night that I was told I had to find a new flat, I called Matthew and of course argued with him, and then came home, crawled under my blankets, and cried and cried, hoping that the woman who had just evicted me, who shares my bedroom, couldn't hear me.

I am really quite grateful that I managed to move into the place I am in, because I got to move the next day, which means I didn't have to pay an extra day's rent to Peter, which was important to me. So this is kind of like a temporary residence until I found the place I'm going to stay, which really isn't such a bad thing.

The only thing remaining to be done for my work permit is to get my employer to sign the contract with the payroll agency. I gave them the contract, and they will be looking it over on Monday. I am really hoping that everything goes well, because if it doesn't, and I don't get a work permit, then I am in serious, serious trouble. I have borrowed the money to pay for the rent and deposit at my next place, and I have earned that much already at this job, but if I don't get a work permit, then I have to just not get paid, which means that I'll owe someone over $1000 and be stuck in this country with that much debt, no income, rent paid only until the end of March, no food money, and no prospects. I'm a little scared.

This month is going to be very rough anyway, because I could only afford to borrow rent money, and so I only have a little bit of food and have to figure out how to make that last, and also how to get transit passes. Things are going to be even harder than they've been so far, which is saying a lot. But as hard as things have been, they have also worked out, and I'm just going to have faith that they will continue to work out.

To tell you the truth, I am kind of beyond caring about physical things. So I don't have a television or a warm coat. I'll survive, and on some level, those things don't really make you happy. The thing that actually bothers me is feeling like life is so pointless. Nobody changes. I wish I could see the people around me care more, try to be better people. I don't see it happening. And I wonder how there can ever be hope for the world if nobody ever changes. How can a bin Laden change if a Bentham won't? (Bentham is Matthew's last name, in case you're wondering.) I mean, just for example.

I have had so many thousands of conversations with so many thousands of people, and it all seems to go nowhere. And it's hard not to despair. If people don't ever change, don't ever become more caring and kind, then I don't really see the point of having a fluffy blanket.

I have a confession to make. I spent all of my remaining food money on a DVD because I have a DVD player on this computer of mine, and had never used it. I wanted to see how good it is. There's a cheap video place behind my apartment—I love it. It's one of these dingy places packed full of old records and videos and stuff, staffed by an old rocker type with greasy long hair. With that and the pub across the street, I'm actually bummed about moving.

At any rate, I realised that it would cost less to buy a DVD than see a movie, and I was really depressed about having nothing to do on a Saturday, and so I spent all of my money on a DVD.

Can I just say that this is the best computer ever? It was as good as on a television. Not having a television in my new flat is going to be all right after all. I mean, I won't be able to afford DVDs for a while, but I have one! All right, so I can only watch Along Came a Spider so many times, but that's not the point.

I spent a little time last night wandering around my new neighborhood, and it's not too bad. Today, I only left the house to go get milk from the store (all right, I didn't spend *all* of my remaining money yesterday—I still had five pounds) and now I can't really leave because I made the mistake of washing all of my clothes. Nobody has dryers here, so all of my clothes are now hanging around waiting to air dry. So I am wearing these worn out and holey leggings which are basically indecent, and everything else is wet.

I'm kind of looking forward to having a place almost to myself. I hate to say it, but I hope that Pushpinder, who is actually a very nice (not to mention well-educated) man, is really never home.

The flat needs a cat, though. I'm going to spring that on him after a while, if I get a real job.

By the way, I think that's the main reason I took the flat. If I can't get out on my own, it seemed like the one I'd be able to live in for longest.

I think.

I really hope I made the right decision.

Well, anyway, that's all for the updates at the moment. I'll try to be a bit more regular in the future. I'll eat more bran or something.

By the way, I haven't been updating this, because things have been tough, and I don't have much of a sense of humor lately. That's unusual for me. Usually I laugh during tragedy, but lately even non-tragic things like getting up in the morning just seem overwhelming to me, and I wish I could laugh again.