NOT THE CHEERIEST POST

I don't really know if I have anything to say or not, but I feel like I should post.

Basically, I think I'm going to be stuck in Gipsy Hill with no contact with the outside world for the next month, starting Wednesday. On the one hand, I don't want to say anything that will cause anyone to worry or anything. On the other hand, when I was stranded in Spokane, it was sheer hell, and I'm a little scared that I'm headed for hell again, even though it doesn't seem like I've managed to completely extricate myself even now.

Thinking about the fact that other people have it far worse in this world doesn't seem to cheer me much, for some reason, although I'd like to point out that it's very inconsiderate of people in, say, Nigeria, to have a rough time and detract from my own self-obsessed wallowing in grief.

I was trying to figure out last night how to extricate myself from hell, and to be honest, I haven't come up with a solution yet. At first I thought, well, if I just keep myself from *wanting* anything, I'll be fine. It has helped somewhat, in the sense that I don't currently think of things like movies or shoes or anything like that (paragraphs about friendship with or apologies from Matthew could be written here, but I won't) to be within the realm of possibility, so I don't think about them and don't want them.

But the problem is that the people I care about are having really crappy lives, and I'm not going to go into too much detail about that, but suffice it to say that it's horrible. And I can't do anything to help, can't affect anything, and that's harder for me than anything. I just used "anything" three times in one sentence. So sue me.

At any rate, the only way I could end the pain would be to stop caring about anyone, and obviously that's not something that's going to happen. Pain isn't a valid reason to change your life and become something evil. I mean, let's face it, love for other human beings is the only thing that makes life worth living.

So I've come to the conclusion that hell is just where I live for a while, and although I'll keep trying to get out of it, I don't see an end any time soon.

Sorry that sounds so depressing, it's just accurate.

Anyway, if you don't hear from me for a while, it's nothing to worry about, it's just that I can't get to a computer, and can't dial out on my telephone. It's really not the end of the world, er, unless God has something going on that he hasn't told me about.