SEEING THE EX

Well, my ex came over the other night--I made dinner for him and his new girlfriend. She's wonderful. I think she'll be really good for him. I'm really happy for him.

Of course, later, I had a good cry over it. I know this is going to sound weird, but it's not because of jealousy or anything like that. I am so so happy for him. This is exactly what I want for him, and I'm so proud of him. He has grown so much.

Michael is probably the kindest and most well-intentioned man I've ever met. Seriously. There is absolutely nothing bad in him. He would gladly give you the shirt off of his back. I asked him for a divorce, but it wasn't because he had ever done anything wrong, or was a bad person in any way. We had married really young--I was 19 and he was 22--and he had really low self-esteem that never went away. His parents had been horrible to him his entire life.

No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried to instil self-confidence, I just couldn't seem to. For example, he never bought clothes for himself, because he felt like other people would just do it better than him, and he should leave it to them. His self-confidence was so low that he never really developed entire areas of his person. He never really bought me birthday, Christmas, anniversary, Valentine's Day, etc., presents, but not because he was a jerk, it was just the whole self-esteem thing. He didn't make friends of his own, or develop tastes of his own, because he figured other people would do it better, and then they could just hand him CDs or introduce new friends to him. I tried so hard, and finally I realized that the only thing I could do to help was to leave him. That the only way he'd ever grow into an adult was if he was on his own and *had* to shop for himself, and *had* to make his own mistakes without me there. I cried so much. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.

He has done so well. He started going to therapy. He took up salsa dancing. He's learned everything he needed to learn. I'm sure there are some things that he's tried and decided he just didn't care about them, but there are so many others that he has just taken up with joy. He loves shopping for his own clothes, especially when it's for things to go dancing in. He has all kinds of different CDs that he bought all on his own. I found out at dinner that he has started getting manicures and pedicures, and he has decided he has to *cut back* to one a month, so that he can cut down on expenses. He opens doors for women, and buys the most amazingly thoughtful little presents for people.

He actually commented on my socks last time I was at his house. He told me I needed new ones, because the ones I had on were appalling.

I am so proud of him, and so happy. He's a really wonderful, adult man.

And in all of this, somehow after seeing him and being so happy and proud, I was hit with the realization that I'd had to be out of his life for him to grow up like this and discover himself. I'd had to be out of his life. I couldn't have been there. I couldn't have been a part of his life for it to happen. I didn't get to be there to see it, and my very presence would have prevented it. Yes, I had known this, and it was the reason I'd asked for a divorce, but for some reason this hit me pretty hard the other night.

Anyway, I'm on my way to another party right now. I have waaay too much of a social life.