Dear Christians:

The first thing you should probably know about me is that I'm a Christian of the Messianic Jewish variety. I take my commitment to religion fairly seriously, but I take my commitment to God very seriously, and perhaps most importantly, recognise that there is a difference.

In some ways, I sometimes wish I had the faith I did when I was a child. I never questioned my position with God, always knew right from wrong, and never saw anything but black and white, and most of the time chose right over wrong. I felt confident and self-assured when it came to my faith.

Now I'm older, and not so sure of myself, and it seems like I make a lot more mistakes, and I am certainly less confident and self-assured. And, yes, sometimes I really do wish I had that absolute certainty all of the time, and knew exactly where I stood, God-wise, all of the time. But I don't.

But this is the thing about not being a kid. As I have matured, I realised something: I was raised as a Christian. I accepted the beliefs I had for a variety of reasons. But if I, as a Christian, said that people who were raised in a different set of beliefs should reexamine them and see if they believed them themselves, then I had to be willing to do the same thing. And I have.

Here's what I have learned.

Firstly, I was self-assured when I was a child, which was good at the time, because I had a child's brain and a child's faith. But I need to recognise where my assurance lies. Did I, and do I, have unshakeable faith in God, or unshakeable faith in myself? There's a difference. If I am willing to make a big stand--whether it is taking sides at an abortion clinic, actively supporting a politician, or standing in a picket line or holding a sign anywhere at all, I need to make sure that the faith I claim to be proclaiming is faith in God, and not faith in my own ability to know right from wrong, or choose sides. If I am not 100% convinced, down to my boot straps, then I need to step back.

You'd be surprised at how often someone who was as self-assured in the faith as I was finds herself now, as an adult, stepping back.

So I find myself less self-assured. Frequently. And I take more and more seriously my mother's advice: When in doubt about what might be right or might be wrong, step back, and say, "What is the most loving thing to do?" and do that.

At those picket lines, in those political rallies, we seem to lose sight of the fundamental truth, which is that God is Love. We may argue about the exact meaning of some scripture or other--how many times should we be dunked when being baptised, should we be baptised as babies, or whatever, but it seems to me that when God really really really cares about something, he states it really really really clearly, and you don't get much more clear than God is Love.

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God, and everyone who loveth is born of God and knoweth God. He who loveth not, knoweth not God, for God is Love."

I just don't see any other interpretation to that.

Even enemies, and people who I am 100% sure are completely in the wrong should be treated kindly and lovingly, if for no other reason that the fact that *I* am sometimes wrong, and I should think about how I would like to be treated when *I* am on the wrong side.

If I am not 100% sure that my choice of sides on an issue is as a result of my faith in God and not a result of my faith in myself, then I'd better think even harder about how I'm presenting myself and treating the other side. Because even a fraction of a percentage of unsureness means I could be wrong. And if I could be wrong, and I'm treating the people who are right poorly...well, then see the last paragraph.

You and I are not going to be 100% right 100% of the time. We are just not. So even if you are absolutely sure this is one of those times you're right, act with that in mind.

The second thing I've learned is that I, personally, don't think I have ever been persecuted because of my beliefs. I may be the only American Christian who believes this. But looking back, I just can't think of an occasion on which I was.

Modern Christians believe that they are under attack, daily, by society and as a result of their beliefs. I have lived in the same country, city, state, town, and community as many of these people. I may have been one of them at one point in my life, but I can't remember.

But I have never been persecuted because of my beliefs.

I have, on the other hand, frequently been "persecuted" for being obnoxious.

Again, there's a difference, and I think most of us need to learn to recognise it.

If you're constantly berating people about your faith in the workplace, and you get flak for it, odds are high you're being obnoxious. When you are at work, you are being paid to work. You have basically sold your time to the company, and delivering value for that money is part of your religious duty. You are not being paid to espouse your beliefs.

Yes, we all have conversations, and I'm not saying that you should keep your mouth shut at all times. And certainly, if someone asks you about your faith, there's no reason to be ashamed to discuss it. But the best "witness" you can do at work is not to try to force these conversations, but to let your actions speak for you. Everyone already knows you're a Christian, so you're essentially wearing a little sign that says that all the time. People are going to watch what you do.

That brings me to the third thing I've learned, which is this rule of thumb: If your life and your actions do not say everything anyone could ever want to know about your God, then you have not earned the right to represent him.

So, really, that's it in a nutshell. What I have learned, and am still trying to learn every day, is how to tell the difference between absolute faith in God and absolute faith in myself, the difference between being persecuted for my faith and suffering the consequences of my own annoyingness, and to focus way more on what I do than what I say.

It's much scarier and harder not having that religious self-assurance I had when I was a kid. I wonder sometimes if I have it right, or if I'm even going to make it at all. And then I think, this is where my faith in God belongs. God is love. I'm honestly trying. I'm going to be okay.