RANDOM THOUGHTS, ALBEIT A LOT OF THEM

Wow. Today was the best day in football, ever.

It was funny, because before the USA/Portugal match, all of the commentators were talking about how far Portugal would go in the competition, and they pretty much ignored the fact that a match was about to happen. It was a foregone conclusion, after all. They were talking about what kind of strategy Portugal would use going forward, and about whether or not they were the 'outsider' who would win the Cup.

Then the match started, and after the US scored the first goal (in the third minute, if I recall correctly) the commentators kind of stuttered a little and talked about how this would affect the Portugal morale, and then when the US scored the second goal, they started talking about all of the other matches in which Portugal had come up from a 2-0 to win, and then when the US scored the third goal, they started saying, "Uh, you know, the US is actually playing really well. And what's wrong with Portugal?"

Even up to the end of the match you could tell they kept expecting Portugal to pull ahead and win. After the match, all of a sudden everyone was talking about what a fantastic game the US had played, and calling it "the biggest upset in football since [fill in the blank]".

It was fantastic!

Then the next game, Germany/Ireland, seemed like it was going to be really boring after a bit, because Germany had a goal and Ireland just never seemed to quite do anything about it. Then they (Ireland) scored a goal in the second minute of injury time, and tied the match.

Fabulous!

Of course I was supporting Ireland.

So now, you know, nobody in the US watches soccer, World Cup or not. And you know that all of a sudden it's going to be everybody's favorite sport and you'll see nothing but soccer everywhere you look. I almost wish I was there to see it.

Almost.

I will probably end up going back to San Francisco in a couple of weeks, and then from there I assume I'll end up going to Boston and doing some temp work for a while before moving on to somewhere and something else. So I keep thinking about things I'm going to do back home. So far, eating sushi seems to figure into my plans an awful lot, as does getting the rest of my shoes. I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that most of my shoes are back home.

And then, last night I dreamed about tacos.

Tacos!

It's pretty much a battle not to get too frustrated by the fact that my life is so unstable right now. This is probably the most helpless I've ever been. It's funny, because the other day someone told me that I was more resilient and less helpless/needy than someone else, and I thought, "What the...?"

I kind of wanted to say...all right, let's see. I have sold or given away all of my possessions that didn't fit into three suitcases and two boxes. I have nothing here to sell if I should get into trouble. I have nothing to make do with. I have no job. I don't have permission to work in this country, so I can't just go out and take a temp job typing or something. I can't obtain anything I didn't leave the States with.

I have no parents to call if I get into trouble. I have no sibling who can afford to pay his or her own bills, let alone send me money if something bad happens.

I have a negative bank balance, which I'm trying to figure out how to cover before I get into trouble for it. (Long story.) I have some cash in my wallet--less than £50--and this needs to last me...indefinitely.

I have a plane ticket to go back to San Francisco on June 20. This is a good thing, because if I'm in the US, then I can at least do temp jobs. So it's possible that the money I have in my purse will only have to last me until a little while after June 20. I have paid my rent in advance, and I have a train/bus pass, so I don't have to worry about being kicked out and I don't have to worry about how to get around. I have food in the cupboard that will last me a couple of days if I'm creative and if I cook it when my roommate's not around, because when I cook and he's around he always wants to try whatever I'm making, and I can't really afford to share.

I have to be really careful about what I eat because a couple of weeks ago I had to go to the doctor for malnutrition, and if I end up getting that sick again, I can't afford to go out and buy the food that is going to have the vitamins I need.

I have a few friends in this country, but I don't actually know them all that well. I think the one I know the best I've seen five times. My ex-boyfriend actually knows them better than I do, and I feel kind of weird seeing them right now. Besides which, I'm sort of afraid to get together with them, because I'm sure they'd want to go for coffee at the very least, and I don't want to tell them that I can't afford a cup of coffee. One of my greatest fears is being pitied by someone.

My boyfriend--the only person over here that I actually know very well--broke up with me and said that he knew he'd done things that hurt me terribly, and that he'd done things that were wrong, but that he planned on continuing doing things to hurt me and doing things that were wrong, because he didn't care enough to do anything else. Call me crazy, but I don't see myself asking him for anything.

If I go back to San Francisco, I have no place to stay. One friend told me I could crash at his place if I get into a mess, but I'm pretty sure that more than a week would be overstaying my welcome. So I think what I'm going to have to do is get back to San Francisco, and then take a bus over to Boston, because I've talked to my sister over there and she said I could stay with her. A bus ticket will cost $109, which is more than I have, so I'll have to work a temp job for at least a week before I do that. It will take just over three days to get there, which is less time than I thought, which is good. I would have estimated at least five.

If I am on a bus for three days, my ankles will swell up, and I will not be able to walk for two days after that. (It is sick that I know this.) So I need to work that into any schedule that I make out.

There's a really good reason I don't want to go back to the US, but I don't want to talk about it here. Just assume that I'm running away from something really bad that I hope doesn't find me when I get back there.

So I have spent the last few weeks outlining my options and trying to figure out what to do. What I'm typing here is pretty much a concrete version of what's been going on in my head. Most of it involves trying to figure out how to get back over here once I've had to go back to the States, because I think I've worked out the only plan I can for what's going to happen when I get there.

But with all of this, all I can think of is, how exactly is it possible for anyone else to be more helpless than me?

Oh, wait, I forgot. I haven't cried about it and asked anyone else to take care of me. I should probably do that. I think I'll cry to...Hmm.

This presents a quandary.

I don't actually have anyone to cry to this about.

Obviously, the real reason I'm not going to cry is that everything is going to be just fine, and I'm not at all worried about it. It's pretty simple, really. I'm going to keep everything on a very fine balance until June 20. That's only just over two weeks. I'm going to fly back to San Francisco, stay with a friend for a week or, at most, two, and I'll work a temp job. Then I'll take a bus to Boston. And then I'll work some more temp jobs, and eventually I'll earn enough money to come back over here and go through this whole mess again.

There are lots of people in this world who are homeless and have nothing. I have a lot. I have a roof over my head, and I have rent under that roof paid until July 23. I have a bus/train pass. I have some not-very-exciting food in my cupboard, but it's food, and if you are ever stuck having to eat something that someone else has to throw together out of available ingredients, I'm the best person to put in the kitchen. I'm the most fantastically creative cook I know, and can make a meal out of almost anything. I'm actually quite proud of that fact, in case you couldn't tell. I've had lots of practice, because I've been flat broke for most of my life.

I will not spend one second being cold, or wondering where I'm going to sleep the next night. I know where my next meal is coming from, and I know how it's going to taste. I have three suitcases full of clothes, even if most of them are too big for me. I know how to sew, and I can take them in--a friend has offered to lend me her sewing machine. I am healthy. I am in a country that is at peace for the most part.

I can type over 100 wpm and have a decent phone manner, so I usually have little difficulty working temp jobs. I have a great resume at this point, so my chances of getting a job eventually are better than a lot of people's. The people I've worked with before don't hate me, and so I can get decent references.

I can think of at least three friends back in the States who would lend me enough money to get to Boston if I asked them. One person over here has offered to lend me money if I need it, but I'm in a situation in which it would be impossible to accept that help under any circumstances. But it is nice to know that it was offered.

And I'm not going to have to borrow money from any of them. I've planned things out really well. I was very careful. I was supposed to get paid for some contract work I did, but I made sure that even if they never paid me, I'd still have the money in my purse that I do have, and I'll make that work.

There is one final thing that I have back in the States. My electric violin is worth $2500, and it's in a consignment shop. They said they could give me more of its selling price if I sell it on consignment, but they offered to buy it outright for $800 if I'd like. I am trying to avoid that, because for one thing, I love that violin and really, really want to keep it. It has a lot of sentimental value. I also feel like it's my last resort, and I don't want to use up my last resort unless there really *is* nothing I can do.

I'm actually far better off than I've been lots of times in my life. I'm not in danger of being homeless, for one thing. And furthermore, I'm in this situation because I put myself here. I am where I want to be, doing what I want to do. And believe it or not, I'm happy, and having fun.

So there really isn't any reason to cry to anyone.