003: Licence to Poke

Last night, Mike and I were talking about something (just what eludes me at the moment) and Mike started poking me, which I am sure we can all agree was entirely unjustified. When I objected, the following conversation enused:

Mike: But I have a LICENCE. 003: Licence to Poke. I was given special dispensation from the Queen herself. It's like the Official Secrets Act; we all receive it upon becoming British citizens.

Me: What's in the Official Secrets Act?

Mike (looking secretive): I can't tell you.

Me: Well, all I can say is that you should think very carefully about what you're setting yourself up for. You know if I become a British citizen and need to make up for lost time....

Mike: As you would still be half American, you wouldn't be given the licence yourself, of course.

Me: As an American, need I remind you that we have the bomb?

Mike: We have the bomb, too. Your bomb, actually, I think you'll find.

Me: Hmph. As an American, I think that you, as a Brit, will find you have the licence to be my lapdog. [Poke]

Mike (parrying): Hey! You're not authorised! You're not authorised!

Somewhere from here, we moved on to postulating what the other agent statuses might be, and eventually we came up with the following Hurtfulness Index:

001: Licence to Pun
002: Licence to Get Songs Stuck in Your Head
003: Licence to Poke
004: Licence to Slap
005: Licence to Chase on Stairs (this makes me frantic and was outlawed in our house years ago, and my inclusion above slapping status may have been partially for emphasis)
006: Licence to Commit Grevious Bodily Harm
007: Licence to Kill

We immediately agreed, however, that this list is sorely lacking, the most glaring omissions being Licence to Tickle and Licence to Nudge.

A heated debate then arose over my desire to include 004 1/2: Licence to Poke with Pointy Sticks.

"But that's already included in 006 and 007. If you poke somebody hard enough, you'll kill them, and otherwise you're just committing grevious bodily harm," Mike said.

"No," I continued, "there is a difference between poking and stabbing. I'm talking about just poking someone with a sharp stick."

He replied, "Then it's included in 003."

"No, it's still different. Poking someone with a pointy stick is worse than poking them with your finger, but it hasn't quite reached Grevious Bodily Harm status yet. It's like if I were to file my fingernails until they were super sharp and then started poking you with them."

Mike shook his head disdainfully. "Now you're just descending into farce. Typical," which is the sort of thing he says when he knows he's losing an argument and doesn't see any way out of it.

We did agree that seven items just doesn't seem enough to cover all of the bases. More, however, and a person would just get bored and stop reading the list.

I suppose each licence could cover multiple items. For example, we could have 002: Licence to Get Songs Stuck in Your Head, Spoil the Endings of Movies, and Call After 11 pm. But I think in listing, it loses some of its cachet.

So what do you think? And what else is missing?